I knew that! But I didn't want to...

Sometimes I know things about myself and I just don't want to.  It's called being self-aware.  If everyone was like that the world might be a better place.  But maybe not, because being aware of things does not always mean you can change them, or want to, when it comes right down to it.

I have been seeing an increase in behaviors involving my lack of control over my tongue lately.  I noticed it and I excused it.  "Well, if you knew how annoying that person was you would talk about them too" "If you saw how frustrating that customer was you would be sarcastic as well."  But the truth is, with every word I say, with every tone I adopt, and with every utterance of sarcasm I hate myself.

This is not the person I want to be 1 Corinthians 16:14 "Do everything in love."  Is it possible that means even work?  Even talking to people that annoy me?  Even as I right the word "everything" I think that is impossible!  How can I be expected to be that patient, that kind, that loving?

I know it's possible because Jesus demonstrated it to us.  He loved endlessly.  When he was tired, when he was tempted, when he was beaten.  He loved and loved and loved and he said he would give us what we needed.

My biggest fear is that I will misrepresent him, I love him so much because of the love he has shown me.  He has shown me love even when I do everything possible to be unlovable.  He just smiles at me and says "it won't work, but you can keep on trying."

He said in John 13:35 "by this everyone will know you are my disciples, if you love one another."  He was not talking about other Christians only.  Jesus spent a lot of time teaching us who are neighbors are, and like it or not he means people that sometimes seem unlovable.  Like customers, and family members, and people that hurt us.

My prayer today, Father I ask that you remove the cruel, sarcastic, gossipy part of me that separates me from the love that is inside of me.  Help me to be patient, and loving.  I do not say this lightly when I ask you to open up my heart to see everyone the way you do.  As your creation, deliberately made in your image by you, for your purpose.  Help me to do everything in love.

Seasons....

Generally I am a big fan of seasons, when weather is concerned.  I pride myself on liking change.  I move around a lot.  I change positions at work whenever I can.  I keep moving along as much as I can.  But what I don't like is when change is happening to the people around me and I am not in control.  That is just unfair!  Don't you agree?

Right now a couple of my friends that live here are going away.  One permanently and the other we just don't know yet.  In my selfishness I walked around for weeks moaning about why me?  Why do I have to have friends that I love so much all over this country?  Why can't everyone just be wherever I decide to be?

God has been reminding me that He will take care of me.  But I am afraid to let him.  What if He says that He is all I need!  (which He does say 2 Corinthians 12:9"And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.")


For a long time I have been hurting from some things that people I love did to me and somethings I decided other people would do if they knew what I was really up to. Because of this I was feeling paralyzed by fear of going to church. I would try a church and then never go back. I needed a community, but I couldn't find it here.


God knew what I needed and he has brought me to a new place to not only worship, but to experience healing and I am very excited to see what develops. I am glad that he says his grace is suffecient, but he knows me well enough to know I need a little (a ton, really a lot) of community too!

Hope

One of the most difficult parts of my life is letting myself forgive myself for the things that I do that hurt me and other people.  If you asked me what my greatest annoyance is in people it would be when people refuse to take responsibility for themselves.

I have always felt this way as long as I can remember.  I remember when I was younger I always wanted to be the peacemaker.  I would never choose sides.  When my class went through the Coke/Pepsi war of the late 80's I refused to choose either one.  I still like some things from both.

My need for peace and to be accountable drove many of my actions.  If there was a question about something that someone had done and no one would take ownership it was not unusual for me to grab it and say I had done it.  I just feel compelled to move things along and make sure there are no hurt feelings.

This obsession with personal accountability should not be a bad thing.  But it can be crippling when you are legitimately responsible for your actions and you own them, but then do not do anything to change them.  There are many reasons this can happen, that I see in myself.  First, even though I do not consciously think this way, I somehow feel like I deserve the consequences.

This is crazy.  Because in truth all of these things that I am struggling with can be boiled down to sin.  So for me to hold onto sin and not forgive myself, or in some cases be willing to ask God to forgive me is unfair to Jesus.  Because He died the most painful death to atone for all of those sins.
Every single sin I have ever committed or ever will commit He knew already that day and He still did it.  He still considered me worthy of dying for.  So it is a terrible thing to not receive the gift of forgiveness he has freely offered to me.

The second reason is, I hate to ask for help.  I hate it.  I do not like to need people, I don't like to need God.  I want to give to everyone else, but I don't want anyone to give to me.  I have done things on my own for a long time.  I really do not prefer it. I would love a partner.  But I don't have one so I force my independence in all of my situations.

Yesterday I looked at my current situation and felt extreme hopelessness.  I am tired of the fight.  I would really like it to be easier.  Today is better, I feel more hopeful.  I am going to ask the Lord to keep reminding me what it means to be forgiven.  Freely, Fully, and Forever!

It's a good start!

What do you see when you look at me?

Today I am having a difficult time doing the right thing.  My actions kept moving forward and on almost auto pilot each right action led to the next one.  But not without a fight.  While I was dwelling on my own private misery that is my lot in life I began to wonder what people actually see when they look at me.

I wondered, do you see a lazy women who has no self control.  Do you see someone who doesn't care about themselves or anyone else?  Because that is what I think you see.  I think everyone is as obsessed with me as I am with myself.  Which is insanity (and a little bit of ego) because I never give any thought to anyone else I see, so why would they be thinking about me.

But here is who I really am.  I am 36 and I have always been obese, morbidly.  Except for a brief period of recovery I experienced a couple of years ago.  I struggle to stand up because I am not sure my legs will hold me.  I worry about sitting down because I worry that chairs won't hold me.  I worry about body odor coming from places on me that it shouldn't.  I see myself in the mirror and feel hate.  Every day I struggle with food.

But I know there is hope, there is recovery I have seen it and I have experienced it.  I know that I have wonderful people in my life that love and support me.  But above all that I know that I have a God that does not see me the way I see myself and He has lovingly screamed to my deaf ears that this is not his plan for me.

Today when I was whining someone reminded me to press on.  So of course the usual verse about finishing the race popped in my head.  But I decided to use my YouVersion (youversion.com) app to see who else before me needed to press on.

There were a few...but this verse in Psalms hit my heart and I knew what I needed to do.  Psalm 118:5 "When hard pressed, I cried to the Lord; he brought me into a spacious place."

I wish that was the first thing I did when hard pressed.  It would probably make everything else a lot easier.

The naming of BLOGS is a difficult matter

I've been considering the world of blogging for a long time.  I wasn't sure that I would be able to do it.  I am not entirely sure I feel comfortable letting the world comment on my thoughts.  To open myself up in that way that would allow myself to become very vulnerable.

But, a friend pointed out to me, you don't have to publish it.  You can keep it just for yourself.

So, I started the process.  I decided to create my own blog.  The naming process almost did me in.  I ran to my friend and she gave me many great suggestions...and of course we landed on a coffee one.

I'm not surprised she thought of coffee when she was thinking about me.  After all I recently lost a battle with coffee...addict!

I'm going to give this a try.  I don't know what I'll write about or how often I will post.  But I am glad to know it is here and that I have this outlet for all my cheerful, and otherwise, thoughts.