What do you see when you look at me?

Today I am having a difficult time doing the right thing.  My actions kept moving forward and on almost auto pilot each right action led to the next one.  But not without a fight.  While I was dwelling on my own private misery that is my lot in life I began to wonder what people actually see when they look at me.

I wondered, do you see a lazy women who has no self control.  Do you see someone who doesn't care about themselves or anyone else?  Because that is what I think you see.  I think everyone is as obsessed with me as I am with myself.  Which is insanity (and a little bit of ego) because I never give any thought to anyone else I see, so why would they be thinking about me.

But here is who I really am.  I am 36 and I have always been obese, morbidly.  Except for a brief period of recovery I experienced a couple of years ago.  I struggle to stand up because I am not sure my legs will hold me.  I worry about sitting down because I worry that chairs won't hold me.  I worry about body odor coming from places on me that it shouldn't.  I see myself in the mirror and feel hate.  Every day I struggle with food.

But I know there is hope, there is recovery I have seen it and I have experienced it.  I know that I have wonderful people in my life that love and support me.  But above all that I know that I have a God that does not see me the way I see myself and He has lovingly screamed to my deaf ears that this is not his plan for me.

Today when I was whining someone reminded me to press on.  So of course the usual verse about finishing the race popped in my head.  But I decided to use my YouVersion (youversion.com) app to see who else before me needed to press on.

There were a few...but this verse in Psalms hit my heart and I knew what I needed to do.  Psalm 118:5 "When hard pressed, I cried to the Lord; he brought me into a spacious place."

I wish that was the first thing I did when hard pressed.  It would probably make everything else a lot easier.