One of the most difficult parts of my life is letting myself forgive myself for the things that I do that hurt me and other people. If you asked me what my greatest annoyance is in people it would be when people refuse to take responsibility for themselves.
I have always felt this way as long as I can remember. I remember when I was younger I always wanted to be the peacemaker. I would never choose sides. When my class went through the Coke/Pepsi war of the late 80's I refused to choose either one. I still like some things from both.
My need for peace and to be accountable drove many of my actions. If there was a question about something that someone had done and no one would take ownership it was not unusual for me to grab it and say I had done it. I just feel compelled to move things along and make sure there are no hurt feelings.
This obsession with personal accountability should not be a bad thing. But it can be crippling when you are legitimately responsible for your actions and you own them, but then do not do anything to change them. There are many reasons this can happen, that I see in myself. First, even though I do not consciously think this way, I somehow feel like I deserve the consequences.
This is crazy. Because in truth all of these things that I am struggling with can be boiled down to sin. So for me to hold onto sin and not forgive myself, or in some cases be willing to ask God to forgive me is unfair to Jesus. Because He died the most painful death to atone for all of those sins.
Every single sin I have ever committed or ever will commit He knew already that day and He still did it. He still considered me worthy of dying for. So it is a terrible thing to not receive the gift of forgiveness he has freely offered to me.
The second reason is, I hate to ask for help. I hate it. I do not like to need people, I don't like to need God. I want to give to everyone else, but I don't want anyone to give to me. I have done things on my own for a long time. I really do not prefer it. I would love a partner. But I don't have one so I force my independence in all of my situations.
Yesterday I looked at my current situation and felt extreme hopelessness. I am tired of the fight. I would really like it to be easier. Today is better, I feel more hopeful. I am going to ask the Lord to keep reminding me what it means to be forgiven. Freely, Fully, and Forever!
It's a good start!
